Making Lemonade

It’s funny, when I first thought about foreskin restoration back in the beginning, it was never because I felt cheated or anything like that.  I decided to do it because I heard that it made sex feel better by several orders of magnitude.  But it’s not like sex was lame leading up to that point.  It was great, and it was all I knew.  I had zero resentment in the beginning.  I had a great positive attitude and I was just going to “make lemonade” out of the situation.

But lately I have been finding myself wondering what could have been.  I will often look at my penis at night before bed, and wonder what it would have looked like had I remained intact at birth.  I scrutinize every inch of skin, every fold, every crease, every line, wondering what part was where before I was cut.  And then when I have sex, I find myself imagining/pretending that my penis is whole and intact.  I try to imagine what it would feel like if I still had all those nerve endings.  Of course I will never know.  And so far that isn’t weighing on me too heavily because I can take solace in the fact that I will eventually have a restored glans and proper gliding action once all the skin is restored. But not having the nerve endings is something that I do think about.

Sometimes I will watch porn with intact men, and it makes me a little envious to see their fully functioning, fully sensitive penises enjoying the acts being carried out.  (On a side note, I have noticed that now I pretty much only watch porn with intact men because I think cut penises are sad looking now and I know that neither party is enjoying the act as much as they could be.)  Basically I am so much more conscious about all of this than I once was.  I do know that I am much more emotionally healthy about it than a lot of men are, but I would be lying if I said I never thought about it.  And while I still don’t resent my parents for having me circumcised as a child, I do have a fair amount of resentment for the system that influenced them to do it.  This is all something that is relatively new.  The more I learn, the more it sucks, but I would still rather know it than not.  Because again, at least I can restore a lot of what was taken.  And I know that carrying any kind of resentment on any level is not healthy, so I will probably be looking for ways to deal with that soon.  Though I imagine once I am restored I will think about it a lot less.  But that’s still a ways away.

For a long time I never thought the restoration process required patience.  And in and of itself, it doesn’t.  But when you start learning about all the functions of the foreskin, and what is missing and what I could be experiencing, then I start to get impatient that I have to wait for two years for all this to come to fruition.  Even though I’m already enjoying incremental improvements, I just wish it was done so that I don’t have to pretend what it would feel like in the meantime.  I guess I’m kind of getting sick of pretending, and that’s where the test of patience comes in.

I guess the good news is, all of this is very motivating.  Because every time I think about any of this, it just serves as another reminder to make sure I have my device on as much as possible.  It’s kind of a relief actually.  Because if I wasn’t actively restoring and I thought about all of this stuff every day, then I probably would get seriously bummed out over it.  But instead I have a solution.  Whenever I start to bum out, I just put my stretcher on, and then I know that I am actually doing something to directly resolve the situation.  And that is very relieving.


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